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I don't know what to do anymore.

I signed a voluntary departure about 18 months ago and have been in my country of origin for that period of time. I signed thinking that I would be safer out of ICE detention. That I would be free in a sense from constantly worrying about my immigration status 24-7. I do have issues that I don't want to bring up, but have been struggling with for a very long time due to experiences in my young life and so on. Things I can't change that consume me.

I thought that by returning and freeing my family of the financial burden of hiring a lawyer to get out of ICE custody I could find a new way of life and in time return to the US. But it's not worked out that way because of a wide variety of reasons. Some my own doing others have to do with the animosity that are experienced by people in the similar situation as I. The natives truly have disdain for people in my situation, I've experienced more racism here then I have ever in the US. Finding a job that payed a living wage was worse.

Not to mention that I struggle with the language barrier. Speaking US Spanish and Mexican Spanish are two completely different things. How do I even learn to navigate a system when it's difficult to even understand the language. How do I go back to school here? That was something I wanted to do. I want to learn to program, have some kind of certificate in the STEM careers. But I feel like I'm drowning here. I have no family, no friends.

I injured myself at work, and navigating the IMSS was a nightmare. All I want to do is be with my family in the US again. I feel like I'm dying here. I think about taking my life a lot and just letting everyone move on. I don't confess these feelings to anyone not even medical staff. It's like a thing to not believe in mental health stuff. It's deemed as a weakness or lack of backbone. I feel so isolated and lost.

I managed to have a pet cat who comforts me but I feel sick and emotionally drained. I feel pressured by coworkers to just move on and in their word "Fuck the Americans". But I can't I don't want to marry here, I don't want to have children here, I don't want to start a new life in a place where people like me are viewed as undesirables, quote from an IMSS employee. I don't even know if this belongs here. But if you read this please help. I don't know what to do anymore.

Covid-19 has only added to the stress. Sorry if this was too long. Please be gentle, I'm truly having a difficult time.

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